By: Margaret Wheeler Johnson

In the wake of Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In, I heard a lot of women say that Sandberg’s admonition not to “leave before you leave” didn’t resonate with them. If anything, getting married and/or having kids spurred them to work harder. But one idea inLean In that rang true for me was that, in addition to the institutional barriers in place that make work more difficult for women than men, women hold themselves back as a result of the self-doubt baked into them at an early age.

If you manage other people, the moment you became a boss might be the moment when that self-doubt came to a head — I know it was for me. I secretly felt that there was no chance in HELL I could do this job and that I had better inform the person who hired me that a very grave mistake had been made. Yesterday on XOJane Louise Hung, who is studying to be a theater director, wrote about the doubts she’s faced while taking charge. Several of Hung’s fears resonated with me and made me think about the all of the ways being the boss has been difficult and scary for me, too.

Here, in no particular order, is some wisdom I’ve gleaned from my time in charge. If you’ve been a manager, do these ring true? Are there other lessons you’ve learned that I missed? Looking forward to your thoughts in the comments.

1. Conflict is inevitable — and you CAN handle it.
It’s not easy to tell someone something that has to be said but could hurt their feelings or disappoint them or could cause them to quit, or just hate you forever. But in most cases, they won’t, and constructive feedback makes for better employees.

2. Fear of failure stifles your sense of opportunity.
To be a manager or boss means other people will look to you for answers. Terrifying, right? Hung says she had to learn to accept that, “If the ship goes down, the fault will be on me.” That’s true, but why not focus on the fact that you’re in charge of the ship to begin with? What amazing things do you want to do while you’re at the helm?

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